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Literature Text
Drowning. A scary word, filled with connotations of one thing. Death by water. I think differently. Call me macabre but for me drowning is, good.
I know drowning myself is stupid. Oxygen depravation is probably doing terrible things for my brain and it is a real risk. But I've never been the one to not do something because it was dangerous or stupid. Well, only stuff like this. I the fool, I the idiot. I the one who doesn't care.
It's not that I drown myself on a constant basis anyway. I don't need it. It's not an addiction. It's better because there's no mistaking an overdose. There's no mistaking the creeping symptoms of dependency leading to death. If it's over, it's over.
It's simple really. I go to the pool and sit in the hot tub. There's a place where I can sort of wedge myself in so I can stay under longer. Once underwater I let my thoughts wander. It doesn't matter to what. As long as it isn't about holding my breath. That just makes you run out of air faster. Everything is quashed by a thought soon after. I'm drowning.
My lungs try to inhale, their natural purpose after all. Finding the nose and mouth underwater causes the diaphragm to stop, jerking me back a little bit. As time goes by the gasps get more and more frequent. The pain in my lungs and desperation in my mind is a weird sort of rush. But not the reason I do it.
When I can't take it anymore I let my body up. My head breaks the surface and I take a deep breath.
This is why I drown myself.
That first breath. It's what the entire insane process is for. For me, it's the most wonderful feeling I can get. Not because of the obvious physical joys. Lack of dying, the body resuming its natural functions and all that. No. The mental game is my game. The knowledge I remember each time is the reason I drown myself.
It's not about seeing death.
It's about remembering I'm alive.
It's proving I'm alive.
I know drowning myself is stupid. Oxygen depravation is probably doing terrible things for my brain and it is a real risk. But I've never been the one to not do something because it was dangerous or stupid. Well, only stuff like this. I the fool, I the idiot. I the one who doesn't care.
It's not that I drown myself on a constant basis anyway. I don't need it. It's not an addiction. It's better because there's no mistaking an overdose. There's no mistaking the creeping symptoms of dependency leading to death. If it's over, it's over.
It's simple really. I go to the pool and sit in the hot tub. There's a place where I can sort of wedge myself in so I can stay under longer. Once underwater I let my thoughts wander. It doesn't matter to what. As long as it isn't about holding my breath. That just makes you run out of air faster. Everything is quashed by a thought soon after. I'm drowning.
My lungs try to inhale, their natural purpose after all. Finding the nose and mouth underwater causes the diaphragm to stop, jerking me back a little bit. As time goes by the gasps get more and more frequent. The pain in my lungs and desperation in my mind is a weird sort of rush. But not the reason I do it.
When I can't take it anymore I let my body up. My head breaks the surface and I take a deep breath.
This is why I drown myself.
That first breath. It's what the entire insane process is for. For me, it's the most wonderful feeling I can get. Not because of the obvious physical joys. Lack of dying, the body resuming its natural functions and all that. No. The mental game is my game. The knowledge I remember each time is the reason I drown myself.
It's not about seeing death.
It's about remembering I'm alive.
It's proving I'm alive.
Suggested Collections
Another part of my "Random Shoes" project.
(I swear I'm not copying
It's personal experience here.)
I'm thinking of making it a legit dA group. What do you guys think?
Copyright Alex Mehrtens 2011
My work cannot be redistributed in any way without my written consent.
(Just a disclaimer in case. I am not advocating this behavior. It can be incredibly damaging to brain cells and should not be done really at all. So don't say "Well this awesome writer guy said to do it." Though you can say the first few words
)
(I swear I'm not copying
It's personal experience here.)
I'm thinking of making it a legit dA group. What do you guys think?
Copyright Alex Mehrtens 2011
My work cannot be redistributed in any way without my written consent.
(Just a disclaimer in case. I am not advocating this behavior. It can be incredibly damaging to brain cells and should not be done really at all. So don't say "Well this awesome writer guy said to do it." Though you can say the first few words
) © 2011 - 2024 AxelofReaht
Comments7
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Nice. I like the flow of this, the voice behind it. It's a really strong voice and I can almost picture the person behind it, can definitely hear them saying this line-for-line. Your prose is fluid and the style is clear and human, broken into a believable rhythm that I really like. 
I do agree with teenytinytina though, it does feel a bit repetitive with you stating some things--actually, a lot of this is rather "tell" rather than "show." I'd really like to see more details in this, particularly the second and third paragraph. The way you tell it kind of makes it sound like it's just being re-told to us, but I'd prefer to feel it--to be there, you know what I mean? Is the hot tub water hot or cold? Does your vision flash black or white? Do you squeeze your eyes shut or do you look around while you're down there? At your pale skin, at the tub's smooth edge, up through the water? Details like this to really bring the reader down there, you know?
And I think that, if you can push the sense of death--the panic, the straining, screaming lungs, the burning pain--then the final line will be even more deserved. We need to feel that death in order to appreciate the life, right? I think that's what's missing in here for me--that sense of death, that panic.
But seriously, loving your style of prose. Keep it up!
I do agree with teenytinytina though, it does feel a bit repetitive with you stating some things--actually, a lot of this is rather "tell" rather than "show." I'd really like to see more details in this, particularly the second and third paragraph. The way you tell it kind of makes it sound like it's just being re-told to us, but I'd prefer to feel it--to be there, you know what I mean? Is the hot tub water hot or cold? Does your vision flash black or white? Do you squeeze your eyes shut or do you look around while you're down there? At your pale skin, at the tub's smooth edge, up through the water? Details like this to really bring the reader down there, you know?
And I think that, if you can push the sense of death--the panic, the straining, screaming lungs, the burning pain--then the final line will be even more deserved. We need to feel that death in order to appreciate the life, right? I think that's what's missing in here for me--that sense of death, that panic.
But seriously, loving your style of prose. Keep it up!